When “in the moment” your child is in his right brain, unable to access his cognitive and rational thinking. Image by cloois via Flickr

“When ‘in the moment’ with your child, your child is in his right brain. He is emotional and he is unable to access his cognitive and rational thinking (i.e., his left brain.) Asking him to tell you ‘why’ he is acting in this way is non-productive. Asking him to make a ‘choice’ is impossible. And asking him to ’stop’ is against nature.

Allow yourself to join your child in his dysregulated emotional place. Let the rational thought and the life lesson follow later when he is calm and more receptive. Join him in love and allow him the space to be all he knows how to be for that very moment. ” ~ Heather Forbes, LCSW

I wanted to share this email that I got from one of our online parenting class participants, who originally began studying Heather’s work to help kids in orphanages and found it was “ideal and needed” for her own family’s healing…

“Just want to say that i love the course and that i’m getting a lot out of it. I have had some really big breakthroughs on a personal level regarding my own trauma growing up and how this has affected my parenting. I actually took this parenting course just so that i could be a better mum to my biological children (two boys aged 21-months and 4-yrs). I had suspected that my 4 year old has had trauma and it’s through doing this course and reading Heather’s book and watching the DVDs that has highlighted this.

About his trauma:

When i fell pregnant it was a surprise and i cried as i felt really insecure, i also had a lot of anxiety and stress during my pregnancy. Then i had a c-section birth that was not planned as the babies heart rate dropped and i missed the initial birth bonding with him. But i think the biggest piece that happened to him was when i returned to work after taking extended leave when he was 9 months old. I hired a nanny at home and she was spending more time with him than me and he slowly but surely became more attached to her. It was very traumatic for my son and also for me too. This is when all the behaviors started getting worse. I can actually see the change in him when i look back over photos, it is huge and i never saw it at the time.

Shortly after i fell pregnant with my second child, i quit work and fired the nanny to became a full time mum at home. It took 2 years to bring back to life my relationship with my son who is now 4. I tried so many forms of parenting and they all failed long term.

Up until recently the behaviors i was experiencing were tantrums (lasting 1 to 2 hours) where i couldn’t console him, hyperactivity, not listening, lying, winging, being disobedient, hurting the family dog, stealing toys from his brother.

I now cherish the moments i have with my son and i have fallen back in love with him. I understood him better than anyone.

Since this online parenting course i have had many breakthroughs with him.

I give him therapeutic massage at night in bed and many nights have allowed him to sleep with me in my bed. He has been able to open up and talk to me about his fears. He is very sensitive and very emotional with a lot of energy. He gets overwhelmed easy and i am starting to see the triggers and signs. I am able to protect him when other family members put pressure on him with their own expectations and rules.

Recently he was triggered whilst in the care of family and he started acting out. He was hitting the dog and his baby brother and was told to stop it etc. After he got told off he was very disobedient and responded disrespectfully. As his punishment they put safety floats on his arms (as he cried and said no) and then threw him in the pool.

When i learned of this i was outraged and knew i had to deal with it face to face with the family member responsible. With my son i tried to get him in a time that was quiet and where we were both regulated and ask him what happened in a secure and safe place. I asked him on 3 different days and he seemed to have no memory of it and looked quite puzzled about what event i was talking about. It was only on the 4th time i asked him when i was giving him a massage on the legs and we were very close that he remembered the event and told me how frightened he was and how he didn’t want to go in the pool with all his clothes on. I gave him understanding, empathy and love. I apologized and reassured him it wouldn’t happen again etc.

I finally discussed it with the person. The energy from my son with that person was very strange, he looked with mistrusting eyes. Turns out the person was so sorry to hear that they scared him and that they’d never meant it that way. When asked what my parenting model was, i explained the BCI method so they could respect it in the future which was great.

When i talk in general with the family on my husbands side, they all keep saying they feel i’m over reacting and he is just a naughty 4 year old, they are not at all sensitive to his needs. It’s going to be a long road ahead but i’d much prefer to start now then later on when the problems are deeper etched and harder to deal with.

Thanks again for a great parenting course, i love the fact it keeps you on track each week and you stay focused to your goals because its so easy to slip back to old loops and that’s something i really want to avoid at all costs.”

Andrea’s Reply:

Thank you for sharing you story! Finding support from your well-meaning family members when using the Beyond Consequences model can be tough, especially is you come from a traditional upbringing or rigid background (ie military family). Help to educate them in this model if they are open and willing, especially if they have a lot of influence over raising your child (spouse, an ex you share custody with, your significant other, etc).

With one paid Online Parenting Class participant fee we allow two parents to join in our classes, because we want you to have that support in your household.

Don’t be shy in the private support group – find the support outside of your home if you need it. It can help you so much to have someone familiar with this model know your story, to have them relate and give you a word of encouragement.

I celebrate your “really big breakthroughs on a personal level regarding my own trauma growing up and how this has affected my parenting” and with the awareness/healing progress of your son’s trauma through this course. Remember to forgive yourself and nurture yourself. You are doing a fantastic job and we support you!

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