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“When you seek to change your child, you must look within yourself first to see what it is in you that needs to be changed.

Healing through relationships is a reciprocal process and you, as the parent, need to take the lead in spearheading the movement.” Heather Forbes, LCSW

I got an email this week from one of our students that I wanted to share as well as my response…

Q: “I really enjoyed the session today!  I was reading chapter 5 and I feel I am definitely getting triggered by one of our children.  I really want to work on the state level feelings and get them out so I can be calm, stay regulated and model love and empathy with our children.   A part of me feels so exhausted all the time and I feel impatient and irritated and angry with the constant defiance and teeth pulling to get anything done.  I am highly educated and had a successful career and I decided parenting cannot be outsourced and have taken time off to really be with the kids and BE THERE and learn and grow and give it my all.  I want this to be a fulfilling process and right now I am just feeling quite depleted and like Heather says in the book – not enjoying the journey.

The issue is that I am feeling so depleted and parenting right now feels like a void and nothing I do seems enough …that I am running on empty at times and have these rollercoasters of good days and horrid days and I just want to do this “right” and from a place of love and energy and not exhaustion and depletion.

At a conscious level I feel my childhood was very supportive and yet given the rage I feel at times I am sure I can be helped by the state level work.  Do you have ideas on how to tackle this?  Our kids are our gifts and teachers and I really want to learn the lesson and grow and give them all the joy and happiness but feel like “time is running out” … so much gets ingrained so early in life that I feel a time bomb to get myself regulated, loving and shift from this consequence model to just get things done.

Let me know if you have any ideas and would love to hear your thoughts on how you are managing your personal journey and what has helped you be a loving, present mother, wife and individual.”

A:

My heart goes out to you. I know that not only myself but many other moms out there have been where you are and know what you are feeling.

As an accomplished, highly educated woman, it can be really frustrating to set your mind to being the perfect mom and then when you don’t meet your expectations, feel like a failure.

Resourcing and taking care of yourself is going to be your biggest help right now! You NEED enough sleep to be operating at your best. So this is the very first thing I would tackle.

What I did to survive the exhaustion was always lay down for naps with my daughter. Even if you can’t sleep, just resting will help a lot. Stop trying to do everything “right”, stop trying to be your idea of the perfect mom. Lower your expectations on things that don’t really matter (like some housework) or hire help with that and be kind to yourself. If you really take care of the essentials like sleep, exercise, nutrition (see green smoothies), relaxation and relationship with your husband first, you will handle stress better and have more to give to your family.

I truly was able to tackle the beast inside of me that would go into rages by dealing with my abandonment issues. I did this at Heather’s “Every Day is Mother’s Day” Moms Conference in Denver this past May.

I found my voice and took back my personal responsibility for my own happiness. I discovered and connected with the little girl in me that needed attention, acceptance, understanding and comfort, and I was able to gather her up in my arms with the most beautiful feeling of love in my heart. I promised her I would never let anyone hurt her as she had been ever again and that I would never, ever leave her.

Doing this with absolute certainty and clarity and knowing it was truth liberated and freed me from being the scared, hurt child and enabled me to finally become an adult. It has been a life-long journey of healing, but this event provided the final piece of the puzzle to enable me
to forgive others and myself finally and completely.

Because of the healing I experienced, of self-forgiveness I feel whole. I am not ashamed to be in the fullness of who I am and to meet people with confidence and courage. I can make eye contact and smile with strangers all the time (not just when I’m really happy) without fear of rejection, because I now know that it is not about me if I am.

My filter that I look at the world through no longer includes the pain of the past but because of that pain and the healing of it I am able to have compassion for others. I can now do this without taking on their pain.

Now when I think of my story, I do not feel shame. I only feel love and peace, because I own my story now. I know with certainty at a cellular level that it makes me who I am today, just as Heather told me up on stage and I am grateful.

The opportunity to experience the work that Heather does in person through this online parenting course will help to transform your parenting paradigm. Her books, interviews, tele-seminars and DVDs educated and prepared me tremendously for that weekend in May, and provided such insight into my childhood and why I am who I am.

But it was being in the presence of the wonderful, beautiful women in that conference room, doing the inner work together, and being heard, supported and loved by total strangers who had a common goal and uniting experiences that allowed the breakthrough I’d been seeking. As a lifelong student of alternative and natural healing methods I know I was ready for that and I know that Heather’s conference provided the needed time, space, safety and opportunity.

I’m not going to say everything is roses with no thorns now. I can still get overwhelmed, stressed and angry. I know what my triggers are and I try to avoid them. My family now reminds me to breathe when they see me getting upset! But the rages are few and far between, and when they do happen I’m able to recover and quickly apologize and make things right,  as well as forgive and love myself.

An undercurrent I heard from your email is fear. “…but feel like ‘time is running out’ … so much gets ingrained so early in life that I feel a time bomb…”

Breathe into that. Acknowledge the fear, feel it and realize that it is there. It is ok to be scared, we all have that. But don’t let it control you.

You are a good enough parent, just as you are. You are doing the best you can for your children! I know that you are an excellent, conscientious mom or you wouldn’t be taking our online parenting class.

Put it up on your mirror, recite it to yourself often: “I am good enough. I am loved.”

It is your job to love yourself and take care of yourself enough so that you can be your best for your children.

“Every interaction you have with your child has the potential to be a healing moment. When struggles arise, allow yourself the privilege to allow, tolerate, and accept the moment, despite your child’s reactions. Remember, the only people who don’t have problems are those underground. It takes trusting and understanding the power and potential of these problems.” ~Heather Forbes, LCSW

I will be attending Heather’s “Every Day is Mother’s Day” Moms Conference in Denver again this October, this time as a certified instructor and group facilitator.

Do you need healing? Why don’t you join us?

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